Even God Hates the Red Sox

They closed the school today because there is a blizzard in New England. We are expected to get 8 to 12 inches. In March. "Scientists" explain the snow is a result of low pressure system from the mid-Atlantic states running into a stationary front. I don't understand a word of that sciency mumbo-jumbo, but it sounds like bullshit to me. I know the real reason for this frosty aberration: God hates the Boston Red Sox and is punishing all of New England for their allegiance to these douchey ne'er-do-wells.

Horns added, ridiculous facial expression in original

Another year?

Tomorrow is one of the best days of the year. At 1:05 p.m. EST (6:05 p.m. GMT), spring training games begin. With any luck, this means we can stop hearing about A-Rod being a cheater and start hearing about the retarded injuries that for some reason only happen to baseball players. Unfortunately, despite my repeated offseason letters to Bud Selig, the Red Sox will be one of the teams playing. Adding to my crushing disappointment is the fact that the Red Sox are the only team playing twice.

"But Dad, I don't want to play baseball. I want to dance."

In what will undoubtedly be an extremely interesting game, the Sox will open against Boston College. For the nightcap, they will play against the Twins. What does this mean for baseball fans everywhere? I have no idea. The answer to the only important question—what does this mean for me?—is painfully obvious. Starting tomorrow, I will be forced to listen to the obnoxious, ill-informed, and incessant blathering of Red Sox fans.

These guys.